Happier with your mouth open

Literally my life is so complicated right now and ridiculous that if it were on television people would complain about how inrealistic it is. I guess it’s interesting, though. What’s life without adversity and struggle
I know I’ll look back on this year and be like wow yeah that happened
But since it’s still happening
I just need to make it through to the other side

I’m literally so tired haha

I don’t understand the need for labels.
That’s not true, I do understand why some people need labels.
You need to make whatever it is into a word that is conquerable, small, something to compartmentalize.
But I’m over it lets just do whatever and not worry about everything so much
Because instead of labeling things people start trying to fit the labels other people have made
And nobody is going to fit exactly so you’ll be reaching for an ideal that is u reachable and you will be dissatisfied so
No more labels unless I decide I like labels again goodbye

Today’s song is Amy aka Spent Gladiator 1 by The Mountain Goats, I have enclosed the lyrics here for your convenience or inconvenience

Do every stupid thing that makes you feel alive
Do every stupid thing to try to drive the dark away
Let people call you crazy for the choices that you make
Climb limits past the limits
Jump in front of trains all day

And stay alive
Just stay alive

Play with matches if you think you need to play with matches
Seek out the hidden places where the fire burns hot and bright
Find where the heat’s unbearable and stay there if you have to
Don’t hurt anybody on your way up to the light

And stay alive
Just stay alive

People might laugh at your tattoos
When they do get new ones in completely garish hues
I hide down in my corner because I like my corner
I am happy where the vermin play

Make up magic spells
We wear them like protective shells
Land-mines on the battlefield
Find the one safe way

And stay alive
Just stay alive

Look man, I’m about to drop some personal philosophy here. If you don’t care about something, drop it. Get the hell out of there. Do not let someone lecture you if you don’t agree with what they’re saying. If you do care about something, hold onto it so tightly, and so gently, because it will not be there for you forever. There will be a day where what you love the most is gone. Do not let that defeat you. Let that make what you have more precious. If you need a change, make a change. If you’re upset because there aren’t enough grand romantic gestures anymore, go put yourself on the line and allow yourself to be vulnerable and where maybe you could get hurt. It may not work out. Most of the time, it will not work out. But you need to fight for whatever it is you need or want to make your life worth something to you. Dont live life for other people. You will die one die, and you will die alone. Don’t die with regret, having live someone else’s life. Don’t go to church every Sunday if you hate it. But if your mom or something loves it and loves to be with you,maybe do the church thing. If you don’t find God in church, try finding God in the people around you. (To be honest, I dont think of God as God anymore. God is love or whatever, so I just believe in love. I don’t belive in a God that could condemn his creatures. So I believe in love. Find love in the awkward hard backs of the pew, because you can shake your moms hand and say peace be with you) Take care of the people who you care about. Take care of yourself, and start to care about yourself more. When you make mistakes, you are not a failure. Take responsibility for them, but do not let them define you. You can still be who you want to be.

Just a thought vomit of what I try to keep in mind, although in my mind it’s more general feelings and less words

"You’re really important"

Jeez today was kind of awful but like it’s okay cause I’m still alive and everything but I’m really sleep deprived,like really, sleep deprived, and ill, and my friend group got into an awkward fight today at lunch which was terrible, and my mom is gone in Italy for two weeks and my moms my best friend, and rehearsals are going till nine every night and I have no time to do homework or sleep, let alone work on my college applications and monologues for my college auditions or write my talk for kairos so I was walking along thinking about everything that was pressing down on me and one of my friends pulled me aside and said
“You’re really important.” And then took some cookie dough out of his pocket and we literally just stood there and ate cookie dough together and everything is still too much but that was really nice and I’m thankful for that little gift.

I’m taking the day off tomorrow to catch up a little and try to rejuvenate and heal my achey head.

From the notebook I kept in Spain

My fingertips stained with the cancer of silence and cigarettes

Time, and an ocean
Separate me from you

I will travel time
(The trick is patience)
And cross the ocean

The deadly drug nostalgia
Brings solace to the past
Where hope cannot touch the ground

Hope lives in the future
Fixed a breath away,
Just outside your vision

I will travel time
(The trip is lonely)
And cross an ocean

To see you again, my darling
To feel you again

It was a good one too.


Basically it was a super detailed account of my horrible day and my awkward being asked to homecoming interaction and how I had to politely decline in front of a bunch of people.
There was a poem.
It refereenced the “arc of my thighs” I can’t do this anymore I’m going to bed so today will be over good night